I got a call from a man wanting me to coach him because he couldn’t get an erection. When I got the call I thought the dude was full of it. He wasn’t. As it turns out he got my number from a trusted reference—a female client that I worked with for almost 2 years. Without saying too much I’ll just say that she and I worked through trauma of the womb. Her doctors told her that she wouldn’t be able to have a child. After 2 years of training and coaching she got pregnant and gave birth to a healthy baby girl. So when he mentioned her name (I coach females only) I decided to meet with him to see if I could help at all.
The guy wasn’t shy about his condition. He went right into telling me all about it. He had even been to medical doctors, and a couple a psycho/cognitive therapist. He’s had acupressure. He used Viagra, and other medications as well as herbs that were known to stimulate sexual arousal. Some of them worked, but not for long—not long enough to please his girlfriend. He admitted to watching pornography to get aroused. It worked, but again not long enough. So, one of the first things that I asked him was if he was gay. He said he wasn’t. So my next question was does he love his girlfriend. He does. Does he find his girlfriend attractive? Yes. So what’s the problem? He didn’t know, and neither did I. He began talking, and I listened. He kept using the word perform. When It’s time to perform this…when it’s time to perform, that…when I’m performing, this happens….I feel like this while I’m performing. Who the fuck performs when they love someone I wanted to know. You melt into each other. Seriously, are you a pornography star? Do you want to be? Or are you a man that is trying to connect with the woman you love in the most intimate way humanly possible?
Throughout our conversation I began checking him every time he used the word perform. I guess he got it. So to delve a bit deeper I asked him about his alcohol consumption, which was pretty high. Why people have to “take-it-to-the-head” before sex is something I still don’t understand. Especially when high levels of alcohol in the body slow down blood flow—the one thing you need to sustain an erection. http://alcoholrehab.com/alcoholism/alcoholism-and-sexual-dysfunction/ Don’t you want to be engaged and conscious of the person you’re connecting with? Yes? No? Maybe not. By his testimony almost every song that comes on his favorite radio station is about becoming intoxicated enough to beat up the female genitalia—perform I guess. That was the first problem.
As the conversation got deeper I discovered that the first time he had sex, it wasn’t even his choice. His relatives…women at that, thought it was time that he became a man. So they solicited a female neighbor who was almost a decade older than the young man, already had 3 or 4 children, and whom he did not love and was not attracted to. As his story goes, his female relatives locked him in the room with the older female so that she could make a man out of him. Like WTF!? Really?? When I asked him if he liked the experience he flat out said no. This was his first sexual experience.
Deeper into the conversation I learned that his religious beliefs about sex were contradictory to his behavior. I mean, the God we believe in will set the tone for our entire lives. As the conversation went on about God and religion he admitted that he was in fact agnostic, but he was doing his best to stay close to the teachings of his child hood. So I asked him why he didn’t he just marry the woman if he loves her, if he finds her attractive, if he believes that he should be married before having sex. His response was he doesn’t think he’s good enough. Him not being good enough is defined by him not having a prestigious job, although he is gainfully employed, and him not having x amount of dollars in the bank. Okay so now I wanted to know what his girlfriend thought. His girlfriend wants to be his wife, despite the odds.
I knew there was little that I can do or say regarding his “condition.” I offered advice anyway, knowing full well that an erection is mental and emotional. I told him that. He understood, especially since we were able to make some connections from past to present.
It seems like so many people are having issues with sexual arousal and sex in general at a very early age. My thoughts are, sex is sacred, and we’ve gotten away from that. Sex is spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical; but somehow or another we’re only paying attention to the mental and physical aspect of sex. Mentally we’re in the head, thinking about performing, and how we look. Physically, we’re just trying to “catch a feel.” I get it. An orgasim is one of the best feelings in the world; but if you don’t feel good about yourself, and if you don’t know yourself what kind of sex do you expect to have?
The last thing I suggested for him to do was to think about ways that he could stand up in himself—get clear about his beliefs, his life, and it’s direction. Call it pseudoscience, but all of these things correlate with sustaining an erection. No matter what society says, an erection comes from within.
Tips for a Healthy Erection
1. Drink lots of water
2. Limit your alcohol and sugar consumption.
3. Try to avoid over working yourself, and stressful situations.
4. Get regular exercise. Both cardiovascular training and weight training help with blood flow.
5. Practice deep breathing, meditation, yoga, and or pilates.
6. Avoid sexual intercourse with multiple partners. Your brain gets scattered and use up Jing–vital sexual energy which is found in the kidney. https://youtu.be/dRpWisPDgWQ
7. Avoid pornography and other sexual solicitation that promotes that idea of “physical perfection. Focus on your partners body.
8. Love and trust are paramount, not only in a relationship, but in a sexual relationship as well. It’s easier to completely relax and “let go” when you trust the person you are being intimate with.
9. Performing is for actors. You’re in a real relationship, with a real person.
Nadirah Aqueelah Shakir 